Teenhood by Heartprints

Why Creativity Works

1. Identify what you can do for hours on end and lose track of time (no, not TV)—reading, writing, decorating, experiment with baking/cooking, gardening, dancing, editing photo, crafting, playing games with the family, swimming, drawing, painting. (note: play is the sister to creativity)
2. Schedule time in your calendar to regularly engage in these identified activities.
3. Scientific American recommends going new places, eating new foods, listening to new music, and meeting people that are different than us boosts our ability to be creative.

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Developing Healthy Family Rules: Trust Part 3

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Develop Healthy Family Rules: Encouraging Emotions Part 2

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Develop Healthy Family Rules: Talking Part 1

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Helping Teenagers Find Solutions

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Encouraging Teenage Joy

• People who won’t take no for an answer-- Its okay for you and your family to need down time and not participate in every holiday activity. It may not make you as popular but a hectic schedule is the quickest way to lose your joy. 
• Financial stress—agree and stick to a realistic budget. Don’t forget to factor in extra money for gas, holiday cooking/baking, secret Santa, and decor. 
• Commercialism have you down? Adopt a needy family through your local church, volunteer at a homeless shelter, reach out to the elderly, foster care children, or lonely people in your life. Focusing on other's in need reminds your teen and family of the true values of the season.

• Schedule down time—teenagers often want to be in the middle of all the fun, robbing them of sleep and, sometimes, sanity (we all go crazy without sleep). 
• Keep up your healthy routine: exercise, eat those veggies, fruits, sleep.
• Limit your alcohol use—Let teens know alcohol is not needed to celebrate or find joy (Teens often are peer pressured to use alcohol (and drugs)  more often during the holiday break.).
• Look for joy in the little things: cup of cocoa, child's smile, frost lined country side, a favorite carol, warmth of a fire.

• Romanticized ideas about holidays and family life lead to let down—let them go; it’s not real anyway.
• Recognize you are human and can only do so much.
• Realize other’s moods and emotions are under their control; ultimately, it is not your job to make other’s happy—that’s their own job.
• Resolve potentially explosive family differences during a better time.

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Helping Teenagers Cope with Holiday Blues

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The Oyster: Changing Pain to Beauty

Every once in awhile, I run across a story that must be shared. Nancy Davis, Ph.D. creates a story of changing identify from worthlessness to one of value. Its too good not to share.

The Oyster

Once upon a time an oyster lay on the bottom of the bay. Oysters are very rough on the outside and not very colorful. The shell of an oyster is often ground up into small pieces and used to make roads. People and vehicles ride and walk all over roads made out of oyster shells.

This oyster was no different. "I am designed to allow people to walk all over me because I'm just a yucky, ugly oyster," the oyster told herself day after day. "I was created for people to walk on me." The oyster had also heard that people sometimes become poisoned from eating oysters. So she told herself, "I'm really worthless; all I do is make people sick."

Often when oysters are served at restaurants, people remark, "Yuck, oysters are slimy, they're yucky. Why would anyone want such a repulsive thing?" So the oyster would say to herself, "They're right, I'm not worth anything, I'm slimy, people hate me, and I am worthless."

It was not surprising that the oyster was always feeling sad.  "Why couldn't I have been something different? Why couldn't I have been a diamond or a ruby? Why couldn't I have been a sand dollar or have a shell that could be made into earrings? Why, why, why?" the oyster asked, as she thought a lot about what she wasn't. She told herself over and over that she was ugly and awful and slimy and made many people sick.

One day a fisherman threw a net into the bay and caught this oyster in his net. The oyster was even more upset and cried out, "This is exactly what I was afraid of. Now I'm caught and everyone is going to discover just how ugly and repulsive I really am."

The fisherman had a different way of looking at things than the oyster. Finding the oyster in his net, he opened the shell with a knife. From deep within the shell, he pulled out an exquisite white pearl. This discovery surprised the oyster. She had paid no attention to the hard pearl as it grew within her. "Isn't it amazing that you can have something so valuable within you and not even realize it? How could this be?" asked the oyster. "How could I have this beautiful pearl inside me when I am so ugly?"

Because the fisherman had spent his life on the sea, he sensed the oyster didn't understand how a pearl is formed and he began to talk to her. "Long ago, when you were very little, there were things in your life that were very irritating and scary and sad and painful. To deal with this, you began to build a covering around your feelings. You wrapped and wrapped all your pain and sadness to protect yourself. This was really helpful when you were young and the pain was very real. What you did not realize and now you can see, is that you changed this awful pain into a valuable pearl. You found a way to take your pain and sadness, crystallize it and change it into something exquisite. this pearl was within, just waiting to be discovered."

"Wow", cried the oyster, "that's very surprising." Then the fisherman broke away the shell from the outside of the oyster because she didn't need that anymore. He removed the yucky, slimy part because she didn't need that anymore either. Then he polished the pearl allowing the beauty and luster to shine through. The fisherman gave the pearl to his daughter. She wore it on a necklace of gold and prized it dearly.

"Isn't it amazing?" the little pearl remarked to herself.  "I never realized that I am special. I was unaware that deep within there was a pearl waiting to shine like a jewel." As the pearl continued to think about life, she realized the most valuable jewels are often buried and are just waiting to be discovered and polished.

Davis, N.  (1996). Once upon a time...therapeutic stories that teach and heal. Burke, VA: Nancy Davis, Ph.D .

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Handling "My therapist said...."

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The Science Behind Self Injury

Researchers have been studying non suicidal self injury (NSSI) for over 20 years. Only within recent history have they been able to look at the physiological and chemical differences in individuals who engage in self harm. It is an exciting time as the science behind the behavior can help clinicians and doctors learn to more effectively treat self injury. With more knowledge comes more understanding for parents, teachers, youth leaders, and peers who often feel confused and discouraged by the self-injury behavior.

The Brain

In the limbic system, researchers saw a hyper aroused state in those who engage in self harm. As the limbic system involves emotional regulation, in a hyper aroused state the individual is upset and may try to calm down. When the scientists applied a painful stimulus, they hyper aroused state came down. This appears indicative of NSSI as a coping skill for emotional regulation. In other words, the brain supports a common teenage assertion they actually feel better, calmer, release, and/or relief after engaging in the self injurious behavior.

The Altered Chemical Levels

Researchers have also found altered levels of cortisol response. They are uncertain if the behavior causes the altered levels or if the altered levels increase vulnerability for the behavior. Cortisol is associated with stress (Think of the commercials about cortisol/stress keeping us from losing weight.). It makes sense individuals engaging in self injury often have difficulty regulating their internal and environmental stress. We can see it in the altered cortisol levels.

They also found lower levels of endogenous opioids affecting pain perception and addictive behaviors. There have been rumors NSSI can be addictive. If the Endogenous opioid levels are lower, it is possible there is an addictive quality to some severe self harm. Also, if pain perception is altered, there is potential truth in someone who engages in NSSI stating they don't feel the pain of their actions. However, once the behavior no longer exists, the lowered pain perception does return. Others have suggested NSSI may increase serotonin or dopamine levels in the brain creating an addiction but research does not support the hypothesis consistently at this time.

Nutritional Deficiencies

Research has found successful treatment of self injury in increasing the Essential Fatty Acids (found in walnuts, leafy greens, fish, flax seed, etc...) in the diet. People who engage in self injury have lower levels of Essential Fatty Acids. In one research project, the control group was given a placebo while the other group was given Essential Fatty Acids regularly. After 12 weeks, the experimental group saw a marked decrease in depressed feelings and suicidal thoughts in comparison with the control group. Even adding a supplement such as Omega 3 and 6 capsules (fish and flax seed oil) increase the amount of Essential Fatty Acids in the body. I am continually amazed at how important good nutrition is to the overall health of the mind. While improved nutrition may not cure all diseases, increasing Essential Fatty Acids will improve depressed moods and suicidal thoughts based on some of the most current research.

Effective Counseling

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one of the most evidenced based forms of counseling treatment with self injury. Ask your teens counselor if they utilize DBT. If they don't, ask them if they would be willing to learn (by books or trainings). A counselor doesn't need to be a purely DBT clinician to be effective as long as they are familiar with the basic principles and can use DBT when needed to decrease NSSI. You want the counselor to be DBT influenced. Remember, even with the most effective counseling, NSSI is not a short term issue and there is no quick fix. DBT clinicians recommend preparing for 3-12 months before treatment is successful depending on severity, intensity, and duration of the NSSI.

Prevalence

Don't buy into the belief NSSI is increasing. Much of the literature supports a consistency in the prevalence of NSSI since 2005. It is possible we are more aware of the issue as teenagers open up about the historically hidden behavior. In the United States, up to 37% of high school students have engaged in self harm behaviors at least once. For more information on the research check out these websites:
http://www.suicidology-online.com/pdf/SOL-2012-3-24-32.pdf 
http://www.jabfm.org/content/23/2/240.full 
http://www.capmh.com/content/6/1/10

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Understanding Self Injury

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6 Ways How to Help Depressed Teenagers

     One of the biggest challenges adults face working with depressed teenagers is knowing how much to accommodate and how much to hold to expectations. If all rules are accommodated to keep the teenager less depressed he/she may never learn how to cope with the consequences of his/her actions. On the other hand, holding depressed teens to the same expectation as their peers, may result in spiraling failure increasing their depressive symptoms. Watching your teen fail time and time again can be heartbreaking. You want them to succeed. They want to succeed.
     Many adults fall into the trap of waiving their normal rules to avoid conflict or high risk behavior (i.e. cutting, running away). Done out of the best of intention, the teens may appear to stabilize but when confronted with other expectations they quickly deteriorate. Also, reducing expectations for one individual creates resentment and frustration for others in the family, class, or group. On some level, the lowered expectation reinforces the hurting teen's failure. Essentially they get perks from struggling with depression. This is not the message we want to be sending them. How will you know if there has been too much accommodation? Start with measuring your own resentment level. How much have you done v. how much have they done to help themselves out? If you are going to compromise on an expectation, what are they compromising? If you notice you're working harder then he/she is, there is too much accommodation.
     On the other side of the spectrum are adults who continue to expect exactly the same from emotionally troubled teens as they do from all the others. The result for the teen is often failing out of school, always in trouble, increased poor self-esteem and depressive symptoms, and finally, shutting down. These adults try to motivate assuming if the motivation is big  enough the teen will somehow manage to make changes. "If you pass all your classes this year, you can take drivers ed this summer." "If you don't get any more suspensions, I'll buy you that X-box game you have been wanting.". The teen may actually be motivated, get excited, and earnestly throw themselves into the appropriate behavior with vigor. Within a few weeks, sometimes days, he/she has had a failure. He/She may try to hide it or give up again resulting in everyone's disappointment. So what does the adult do? Unfortunately, the adult may try another motivator which ends up in another painful cycle of failing. Finding the balance of support and enabling can be difficult.

How To Help Depressed Teenagers:
1.) Review expectations together (i.e. be honest, all homework turned in). Having it written out limits confusion later.
2.) Put together reasonable short term consequences (no electronics for 24 hours). Too long of consequences reduces effectiveness as the teens learn to adapt without their privileges. Hint: the consequence time doesn't start till you see the behavior you want (for example, if John curses during his 12 hour restriction period for cursing, the time starts over). Let your teen know ahead of time what to expect.
3.) Reward small steps in the right direction so they can see their progress (i.e. a point for every assignment turn in on time or for a day without yelling). The small reward can work toward a bigger motivator (i.e. X-box game, driver's ed, eating out, sleepover). This reduces their discouragement when they make mistakes as they can always try again tomorrow and still have an accumulated amount of points from past successes.
4.) Follow through. Do not shorten the consequence once you have already agreed to a certain amount of time.
5.) Be available to validate emotions and  talk about problem solving. Just remember to still hold accountable for poor behavior. Depression, ADHD, anxiety, and trauma are not excuses for abusive behaviors or a lack of responsibility.
6.) Encourage them to seek help. Most teenagers have access to counselors and doctors through school, faith system, and/or parents. Put the responsibility on them to develop skills to cope while you support them in their process

Finding a balanced approach can be a struggle. Consult with other professionals or supports if needed. You aren't in this alone.

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How is mental illness created?

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How Do I Improve Teenage Behavior?

One of the alarming red flags in any parenting program, is the assertion only their way is the "right" way. While there are parenting true principles, a guaranteed technique to work for all teenagers all the time is nothing more than an illusion.  If one technique had a 100% guarantee, parents and cultures would have come to a consensus  long ago.  But instead, there are many parenting classes from the infamous Baby Wise  to Attachment Parenting. Theories abound and vary from culture to culture and, in America, from household to household. Many parenting classes do offer important fundamentals such as increased consistency and structure. How do you know which one to choose? Which one is true to your values? Which one(s) will your teenagers respond to the best?

Start by identifying your child's behavior pattern:

The Compliant Teenager
Very little action is needed in order to discipline the compliant teen. He/she responds to a look from across the room. Talking is the best tool to modify behavior. He/she depends on the adult's approval. Disappointing authority is one of the worst possible consequences for the compliant teen. If needed, taking away a privilege or two goes a long way. They may be moody at times, sometimes challenging authority but most of the time can be talked through conflictual situations.

The Independent Teenager
Most teenagers will push the envelope every now and then. They are learning how to be their own person which often translates into pushing against the boundaries set before them. They want to experiment with "adult" behaviors. Teenagers may explore risky behaviors. Using programs like Love and Logic or Total Transformation, parents train teenagers to think responsibly. They are held accountable for their behaviors but also learn decision making skills to cope with what life brings them.


The Challenging Teenager
Teaching a challenging teenager stretches and pushes the adults with whom they come into contact. Every day is a battle, every conversation an argument. Trust is minimal. For teens who insist on pushing every boundary given, authority would benefit from relinquishing the belief they can control behavior. However, they do have control over "the stuff" (aka everything your teen enjoys like their electronics, going out with friends, etc... ). Use this influence consistently and let the teen know how to earn back the privileges. Be up front about how long the consequence will last after he/she has complied. Utilize programs like Parent Project. They are "evidenced based" meaning studies have been researched on caregivers who have used the program strategies and the outcomes have been reliably successful. If needed, work with a counselor or another support since training a challenging teenager can be exhausting. You will need a cheerleader.

Whichever category your teen(s) falls into, know their decisions are their own. While parents, teachers, youth pastors, and other supports have a significant impact on teenagers, they do have a mind of their own. Some make great choices and others do not, no matter how hard we try. The best we can do is to educate ourselves, admit our mistakes, and demonstrate healthy love and boundaries as much as possible. The outcome is up to them.

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Gangs in the northwest?

      One of the reasons I moved to a country suburbia neighborhood was for the walking trails. I love to walk and see the local wildlife, the tall NW trees, feel the breeze or the sun on my face. Being part of a fairly new neighborhood, there is always construction going on. As I passed a nearly completed house on my walk recently, I saw graffiti sprayed to the new windows and house siding. Upon closer inspection (becomes I'm curious), I found more recent spray on the side walk and another partially built home. It included pictures of male genitalia, gang symbols, racist comments, and foul language. Initially, I was surprised to find this in my neighborhood and not on the walls of inner city buildings.

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Helping Teens Accept Themselves.

 
   February is National Eating Disorder Awareness month. Honestly, this is not my favorite topic to discuss or blog about, but last weekend I went to a CREDN (Columbia River Eating Disorder Network) work shop. One of the speakers pointed out even professionals, we all bring our inner biases and beliefs about food and our bodies to the table. I can work with alcoholics, drug abusers, depression, anxiety, self-harm without my personal experiences interrupting too much (aka counter-transference). But when we start talking about weight, eating disorders, and body image, all of a sudden, I am very aware of my body, of what I ate that day, and of my own insecurities. Even amongst counseling colleagues "fat shame" is common. "I'm fat." "I'm on the insert latest fad diet here diet." "I keep trying to lose weight." "You look like you've lost weight" said with an approving smile. We rarely hear "I love my body." And if we do, we may resent the speaker. "Why should they be able to be happy with their body when I cannot? What arrogance!"
   Eating disorders are deadly. One of the conference speaker's daughter died of Bulimia one year after the first time she purged. The thought makes me go cold all over. My stomach twists and turns this way and that and I recognize the feeling of helplessness. If you love or have loved someone who has an eating disorder (and statistics indicate you do), you may understand. What can we do to help?
   The conference challenged me to change my thinking and to watch what I say even subtle implications in conversation with others. My goal is to create a space where people know they are valuable regardless of appearance, weight, size, height, or food choices. This environment promotes an atmosphere of healing for those who struggle with their bodies and food. For our little ones who watch our every move, we can role model unconditional acceptance of our own bodies. This is hard but no one ever said it would be easy.
5 Practical Ways to Handle Fat Shame:

1. When someone asks if you have lost weight or praises you for losing weight, try "So you remember me being fatter?" This will discourage their comments.
2. Focus on the underlying feelings: "You sound really unhappy." or "How are you feeling otherwise?"
3. When someone comments on how much they need to lose weight, ignore it and change to another topic. Telling them they don't need to lose weight reinforces their talk. Agreeing with them increases shame. Just as you might ignore and distract an annoying behavior in your child, distract the speaker with another topic like, "How was your weekend?".
4. Put up some boundaries. "That's not a topic I discuss." "I have nothing to say to that." "I prefer not to talk about weight/diets etc..."
5. When someone shames food (i.e. how unhealthy or how many calories etc...), try "It's a insert food of choice, not a genocide." or "How about we just enjoy this?"

Find the approach which works for you. For some humor, even sarcasm can interrupt the cycle. Other's may need a gentler method. Remember 'fat shame' is another form of bullying. Because it is associated with health we may feel it is more acceptable. It's not. Just as we do not judge based on race, we should not judge based on weight. One woman said "God doesn't smile when we eat an apple and cry when we eat cake." Focus on health and listening to your body--not on appearance. Discover what you love about your body.
Spotting an Eating Disorder and What To Do
   Most people who struggle with eating disorders (not just girls), are really good at keeping secrets. Keeping secrets perpetuates the inner, and sometimes family, shame, thus reinforcing the secret keeping. Unlike other mental health issues, many with eating disorders look like they have it all together on the surface. They maintain their responsibilities in jobs and hobbies, have friends, and get good grades--often straight A's. They may be perfectionists. They may exercise excessively, keep track of their food intake obsessively, never eat in front of people, or hide their eating.
   If you are concerned about someone's eating habits, get them help. Working with a doctor, counselor, and nutritionist who are familiar to with eating disorders is imperative for change to occur. Remember, just like physical illness, healing takes time and is a long process. Just like cancer doesn't have a quick fix neither do eating disorders. Those with eating disorders often have a brain chemistry disruption. Ignoring the problem only prolongs it. Connecting them with the right help may very well save their life.
   I want my daughters and sons to love their body, comparing it to no one. I want to train them to listen to their bodies and encourage health. I want them to see people as valuable for who they are rather than having to conform to cultural standards of beauty. I want their definition of beauty to have nothing to do with attraction but to include inner qualities such as grace, kindness, and respect. Is it possible? I don't know but I am determined to work to facilitate the change so my children can love and accept the body God gave them without question.

Further help and inspiration:
"Pretty" video
Eating Issues, Aging, and Women article
SPEAK: Students Promoting Eating Disorder Awareness and Knowledge
Providence Behavior Health Services: Adolescent Eating Disorder Services 503-216-2025 or 800-716-5325
Center for Discovery in Bellevue and Edmonds, WA
Rain Rock in Eugene, OR
Kartini Clinic for Disordered Eating in Portland
Free Eating Disorder Art Therapy Support Group @ A Better Way Counseling Center 503-226-9061 in Portland, OR

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Natural Ways To Treat Teenage Mood Disorders Part 2: Sleep

• Having difficulty getting to sleep 
• Waking frequently
• Nightmares
• "Reverse cycling" -- sleep during the day, up most of the night.
• Inability to get up in the morning

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When Tragedy Strikes

The December blog was going to include natural health tips for better mental health but in light of last week's events I'm pausing the series to address the complicated grief we are experiencing as a nation, as as a member of the human race.

1. Remember everyone grieves in their own way. It is all too easy to judge the way someone grieves when it doesn't seem effective or mirror our own methods.
2. Give lavish grace to other's process of grief. 
3. Listen. Let the teenagers and children talk. You don't have to have the answers but people do need a place to express their fears, concerns, and worries in order to heal. Talking is the process for healing, even when it hurts.
4. Keep an eye out of physical symptoms: upset stomach, headache, tension, fatigue, changes in appetite or sleep, increased anxiety/depression. If symptoms continue consistently for over 2 weeks, interfering in the day's schedule, and/or relationships recommend a support group or a counselor. Support groups and counselors are there to help people cope with the craziness of life. 

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Natural Methods to Treat Teenage Mood Disorders Part 1

      One of the most often asked questions I get is "Can you suggest natural ways to treat depression (or anxiety/anger/mood swings)?" Without training, it is unethical for the average counselor to make recommendations for any medications, natural or otherwise. However, many parents would like to utilize alternate natural ways of supporting their teens before trying a myriad of psychotropics. So, recently, I sat down with Holistic Health & Preventative Nutritionist Leanne Ernster to discuss what could be done naturally to improve moods.
      While research supports exercise as one of the best ways to improve mental health, Leanne had a forerunner to exercise. While she agrees exercise is very helpful, she stressed the number one priority is whole foods because food is our fuel for fitness, physically and mentally. Leanne noted "whatever we feed ourselves, on a cellular level everything is affected!-- our hormones, our organs. If we don't have what it takes to build healthy neurotransmitters, to slow our bodies down at night, and rev them up in the morning... then it's no wonder the snowball effects happen." Leanne continues to illustrate the snowball effect in the life of a teenager.  "So let's say a teen is living off of Trix cereal, bagels, mac n' cheese, and energy drinks. There isn't one phytonutrient [since they] are only in plants. [Teenagers] will quickly find they are lethargic. Maybe they sleep in late because they have no energy, and then they miss the sun. They aren't as active, they have low moods, and eat more junk to try and find energy. It is very cyclical. People don't know where to start and get overwhelmed." Long-term this affects the hormones, adrenals, brain development showing up in symptoms consistent with depression, anxiety, and moods swings.
      With nutrition being so vital to our mental health here are so some practical tips Leanne recommended to help the teenagers in your life build a healthy mind.

1. Depression: Vitamin D3 drops (2,000 units aka 2 drops) are a necessity. In the NW we sorely miss absorption of Vitamin D through the sun. Lack of Vitamin D can cause, among other things, depressive symptoms. Light boxes can also be helpful for some people with depression (Costco has them locally for under $50. Check out the reviews.).
2. Anxiety: Vitamin B metabolizes stress and improves cognitive functioning. You can find Vitamin B in whole grains like oats, whole grain breads (Dave's Killer Good Seed is Kristal's favorite), nuts and avocado, spinach, and nutritional yeast. As there are many types of Vitamin B, a Vitamin B Stress Complex supplement can help for additional support to better manage stress.
3. Memory & Moods:  Ground Flax Seed (2 Tablespoons daily). Just like coffee, freshly ground is best for the maximum nutritional benefit. It can often be added to a smoothie or hot cereal with almost no change in taste. The Omega-3's in flax seed protect our neurotransmitters in the brain to improve memory and stabilize moods. 80% of Americans are deficit in their Omega-3's.

Developmentally, teenagers often struggle with the idea of good nutrition for two reasons: The benefits of good nutrition are not typically immediate but long-term. Teens often want a quick fix, an immediate result. Second, teenagers often feel invincible. Warnings about effects of junk food do not seem real because it is not an instant consequence. To get them on board, work with them, leading by example to make small changes. Find out what healthy foods they like. Prepare foods together since they are more willing to eat something they have participated in making.

Extra Tip: Vitacost.com is an inexpensive, quick access to high quality food and supplements.

NEXT MONTH: Part 2--Leanne and I discuss supplements and strategies avoid insomnia and get a good nights sleep. Proper sleep is crucial in healthy minds.


Leanne started and manages Engedi, a nonprofit coffee shop serving healthy smoothies and organic coffee/teas. My personal favorite is their Chai tea bought local from a native Indian now residing in Oregon. She also coaches people through her business Celebrate Nutrition in helping clients make better health choices promoting whole foods. One of her favorite pastimes is creating new healthy recipes. Like Celebrate Nutrition on Facebook and get regular healthy tips for daily living.

Disclaimer: Check with your doctor before making changes to your diet. Neither Leanne Ernster or Kristal Mathis are medical professionals. Please note not all mental health issues are related to diet but it is an important factor for many people.

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Does Your Teenager Need Counseling?

One of the lines in a recent movie I saw compared lawyers to counselors (and it was not in a positive light). "They just want your money -- they keep you coming back again and again." While there may be some truth in the statement for some counselors, most do really care about people first. When you are concerned about your teenager it can be more confusing. How do you know if your teenager would benefit from seeing a counselor? Would a few visits fix the issue? How long will the counseling take? How do you know if counseling is working? Here are questions to gauge your teens needs-- you be the judge:

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Three School Success Musts

Most parents want to see their teenagers to do well in school, but aren't sure how to help. Teenagers can be resistant to their families and academic world mixing. I remember fighting embarrassment as my mother appeared, in bright red sweats, by my locker to give me my lunch. Adolescence is a challenging stage of life. The harder it is to be a teenager, the harder it is to be a parent.Talk to the school.One of the most important ways to help teens in schools, is to connect with the faculty. Research suggests students whose parents communicate with the school regularly, get a better education. While I am sure the faculty does not intentionally slight teens who do not have involved caregivers, it is natural to give more attention to the ones who are more familiar. There is also an accountability factor. An involved parent encourages staff to give their best. Concerned adults involving themselves in the teens academic world gives extra psychological support, which can be the difference between passing or failing a class. Not the legal guardian? As long as the guardian (and teen) don't object, do not be afraid to advocate for the young people in your life. In my experience the schools are happy to better help their students, only remember they manage hundred of students, not just yours.TIP: Struggling grades? Ask the school counseling office about free tutoring services the schools often provide.Eat!There is a growing trend among teenagers to abstain from breakfast, and sometimes lunch too. Parents often don't even notice because as soon as student gets home from school, they start in snacking and eat a big dinner. Skipping breakfast and lunch contributes heavily to problems with focusing and assimilating new information. Their brains don't have enough nutrient support to learn efficiently. Also, deficits in nutrition are being shown to decrease the brain's ability to function. Consuming highly processed sugar and fatty foods will contribute to poor focus. Make sure your teenagers not only are eating but have a healthy start to the day to keep up their energy till the dismissing bell rings.TIP: Many girls are under the impression that they will lose weight if they hold out eating as long as possible. Make sure they know this is false. If necessary, recruit their doctor in the conversation.Sleep.Teenagers are infamous for their poor sleep hygiene. I regularly hear of survival through the day starting early, crashing for a couple hour nap after school, and up late finishing homework and texting friends. Weekends are for sleeping half the day. Being tired negatively affects their ability to problem solve and retain information. During adolescence 8-10 hours of sleep is recommended. Encourage good sleeping habits such as avoiding caffeine late in the day, separating homework and sleep spaces, and scheduling wind-down time between business and sleep. Many of my clients find it helpful to play a relaxing playlist or taking a bath/shower to calm their active minds before saying goodnight.TIP: Lower the brightness in the evening. Avoid intense lights late in the evening including TV, computer's, and phones. Dim lighting readies the body for sleep.While we can't do the work for them, there is a much we can do to help make the most of their educational opportunities. Not only are we giving them tools now but we also are setting a foundation for their further endeavors whether at college or in the workforce. Without proper sleep, good nutrition, or social support, a teenager can easily fall through the cracks, silently failing to meet their potential. Be the person to help them achieve.

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Calming Your Teens Emotions

Have you ever had those conversations where the other person just wasn't getting you? You both liked each other. You both are smart, intelligent people, and yet there is a verbal chasm between the two of you. Maybe it's because you disagree. Maybe it's because you have different points of view. Maybe you just want them to understand you, and it's not happening. It is easy to give up and walk away, feeling frustrated and alone. With teenagers, these conversations can quickly escalate into yelling, anger, and a fight for control.

The quickest and most effective way to bring down intense emotions during conversation is validation. By contrast, invalidation spikes emotions levels higher. The human race has an intense need to be validated. Validation is giving a person permission to have thoughts and feelings--regardless of what they might be expressing. Some counselors have even defined six different levels of validation, ranging from non-verbal acknowledgment to using the person's history to make sense of their reaction.

• "That makes sense because...." 
• "It sounds like you are feeling ______"
• "You look really _____."
• "You're thinking....."
• "I would feel that way too."

Validation is NOT...

1.) Agreeing. Notice that the above statements reflect what the other persons is feeling or thinking. This does not imply you agree or disagree but you are giving him/her room to their express himself/herself.
2.) Fixing it. This is particullary difficult for helpers. We want to fix it. There may be a time for fixing it, just remember to validate first. For example, a teenagers is upset because she broke up with her boyfriend. Dad says "Wow. I can tell this is really hard for you; is there something I can do to help?"
3.) Relating. This is an easy mistake. When we try to connect with people, we look through the file of our own experiences to share. Unfortunately, this can get in the way of truly hearing what your teenager is trying to communicate. This may not be the time to share your breakup stories.
4.) Evaluating.  Using terms like 'good' or 'bad' to assess the situation sets you up as a judge. Shows like American Idol are all about evaluating good, bad, or indifferent. Even 'good' judgements interfere with validating. For example "It's good you feel this way" implies it could be bad to feel another way.

In a recent session, I choked on my tea right as my client disclosed using meth "recreationally" last weekend. Regardless of why, my reaction was extremely invalidating. This is absolutely not a behavior I want to validate AND I want to validate her feelings leading up to the decision. Judgement will cut off our relationships. Validation allows her to feel safe and secure enough to continue to discuss with me her feelings, thoughts, and decisions. All feelings and emotions are valid; however, some behaviors should not be validated. Given the chance to express emotion in an accepting environment decreases emotional intensity. Contrarily, invalidation only increase the intensity of the emotion.

For futher information on how to validate, check out these helpful sites:
http://eqi.org/valid.htm#What%20Validation%20Is
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation_examples.html

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Referee No More

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Tools for Dad

For many of the girls I work with, Dad is a missing link. In some cases, Dad's have wounded my clients so deeply, it will take years of processing to recover. Some of my clients have never and will never know their biological father. Step-dads, grandpas, uncles, older brothers, teachers may be as close to having a father as they will ever know. But I also get to meet amazing Dads who would do anything to help their teen.

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The Key to Successful Mothering